Sir Sly - You Haunt Me
I today thought about diary writing. I once did that and afterwards I hated to read old pages of it because like I do, I felt stupid about myself. With all honest, I wrote yesterday something here to drafts and made a promise to never ever publish it anywhere because everytime I do, I feel stupid and remove it immediately. So now I've been sentimental and thought about writing diary. I've wrote something some days up because I've thought it would help. And I don't remember did it ever help.
I wanna quote myself, though.
" I know I don't publish this anywhere and if I do, I regret it immediately and remove it because I'm scared that no one cares. Or my problem is ridiculous and I know there are bigger problems in the world than mine but these are my problems and even in the scale of the world they are really really really (x10000) small they are big to me and pushes me down like a bomb does to skyscrapers.
I usually keep things inside me because I think my friends and family and everyone thinks I'm pathetic and begging for attention. I don't want attention, I need comfort. I need something to prove my frights wrong. But who would know really? "Also I had thoughts today in work about my stupidy. One thing I thought to say in my diary (or wherever) "I hope they'll find some kind of tumor or damage in my brain so I have proper diagnosis why I'm so stupid and slow to understand simple rules"
This was because everywhere I work I get a lot of notes what I've done wrong and how I should work next time and as many as I get notes, more stupid I feel myself and think that I'm the only one who can't understand so simple things by myself.
Then I felt so sad because I thought that I'd never be Nerdfighter because I'm not smart.
Anyway, this was totally random post now and probably I'll regret this in 20 minutes.
So enjoy this as long it's here.
I'm so sorry that you feel this way, when I suffered from anxiety I thought so too - my problems are so tiny, if I went to talk to someone they would laugh me out - so I never spoke. Then one day I opened my mouth to a blog diary I kept anonymously and I got so much peer support and understanding from people in the same situation. You are not stupid and you are not slow, I think you are a very inspiring and creative person and I'm always so thrilled to go through your post feed and read the things you write, though this one didn't make me so happy. You are a beautiful person and so unbelievably inspiring that I just wanted to say it to you. I don't know you personally but I just want you to know this. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I thought about anonymous blog diary too but I have to think more about that. And yes, actually at first my plan was not to publish here anything when I'm in bad mood or feeling anxiety but because I am what I am, I wanted to give people heads up that I'm not always so cheer and inspired. Actually I'm feeling little uninspired right now when I'm not in the mood of social life.
ReplyDeleteThis shall be the only moody post from me here.