whisky and rum, blood on my tongue.

Sir Sly - You Haunt Me

I today thought about diary writing. I once did that and afterwards I hated to read old pages of it because like I do, I felt stupid about myself. With all honest, I wrote yesterday something here to drafts and made a promise to never ever publish it anywhere because everytime I do, I feel stupid and remove it immediately. So now I've been sentimental and thought about writing diary. I've wrote something some days up because I've thought it would help. And I don't remember did it ever help. 

I wanna quote myself, though. 

" I know I don't publish this anywhere and if I do, I regret it immediately and remove it because I'm scared that no one cares. Or my problem is ridiculous and I know there are bigger problems in the world than mine but these are my problems and even in the scale of the world they are really really really (x10000) small they are big to me and pushes me down like a bomb does to skyscrapers.

I usually keep things inside me because I think my friends and family and everyone thinks I'm pathetic and begging for attention. I don't want attention, I need comfort. I need something to prove my frights wrong. But who would know really? "

Also I had thoughts today in work about my stupidy. One thing I thought to say in my diary (or wherever) "I hope they'll find some kind of tumor or damage in my brain so I have proper diagnosis why I'm so stupid and slow to understand simple rules"

This was because everywhere I work I get a lot of notes what I've done wrong and how I should work next time and as many as I get notes, more stupid I feel myself and think that I'm the only one who can't understand so simple things by myself.
Then I felt so sad because I thought that I'd never be Nerdfighter because I'm not smart.

Anyway, this was totally random post now and probably I'll regret this in 20 minutes.
So enjoy this as long it's here.

killer whales and green books

Smallpools - Killer Whales

It's not quite Nobel price but I won it! I won those jewels I wrote about couple weeks ago. Salmiakki Manifesto set is mine now and I'm so happy I could do my first winning dance. The reason to be this happy is because I never win anything. After I won every round in farm market's wheel of fortune, I've been out of luck. Once I won Sisters club story competition and got W.I.T.C.H. board game I'd never played I've been sucker at lotteries and competitions.

Also I had great day yesterday with Jenna. We went to shop a little. I was with attitude that I won't buy anything unless it's half free and so I did buy two books (because I had full paperback pass I got another free) and 5€ top and sky elements rings and hand of fatima earrings so they all did 8€.
Then after our little shopping round which included free strawberries from my friends, we went to buy some booze and had nice cocktail evening at Jenna's place. She's the master of cocktails and I just laid back and enjoyed our good/awful music and How I Met You Mother re-runs. Only minus side was the boiling hotness but it was the small minus comparing how fun we had and how intelligently stupid conversations we had whole night.

We figured out our Iceland theme song, talked about Jenna's Sims drama triangles, had conversation about London Call Girl, hair care, ice cubes and other as wise topics.

Joe is our lover